The Emotionally Abusive Relationship

A step-by-step guide to help both victims of emotional abuse and their abusers escape unhealthy patterns originating from childhood abuse and neglect In the second edition of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing, internationally recognized therapist Beverly Engel walks readers through a proven program designed to help readers get to the core of their unhealthy behavior patterns. This book was written specifically for two types of couples—those who mutually abuse each other and those with abusive partners who are willing to honestly look at themselves to and make the necessary changes to stop abusing. Unique among books of this type, Engel focuses on both the abused person and the abuser, offering non-judgmental advice to both groups. She offers effective strategies, techniques, and information to end abusive behaviors, including: Why some people are attracted to abusive people and vice versa Patterns created from childhood neglect and abuse and how to break them Determining if you or your partner suffers from a personality disorder such as Narcissism or Borderline Personality Disorder How to decide whether to continue the relationship or end it The importance of healing shame caused by childhood neglect and abuse How self-compassion can help heal both victims of emotional abuse and the abusers themselves The Emotionally Abusive Relationship is essential for those involved in unhealthy relationships or who have loved ones trapped in an emotionally abusive situation. Therapist recommended, this book is also a must-read resource for students of psychotherapy.

Acknowledgments xi About the Author xiii Introduction to Second Edition xv Part One Identifying and Understanding Emotional Abuse Chapter 1 Emotional Abuse— The Destroyer of Relationships 3 What Is Emotional Abuse? 6 How Emotional Abuse Does Damage 7 Determining Whether You Are Being Emotionally Abusive 10 No Monsters Here 12 Ending Emotional Abuse 15 Chapter 2 Patterns of Abuse 17 Domination 19 Verbal Assaults 20 Constant Criticism/Continual Blaming 21 Abusive Expectations 22 Emotional Blackmail 22 Unpredictable Responses 24 Constant Chaos/Creating Crisis 25 Character Assassination 25 Gaslighting 26 Sexual Harassment 27 Clear and Consistent Patterns 28 Overt and Covert Abuse 28 Intentional and Unintentional Abuse 29 Chapter 3 Not All Emotionally Abusive Relationships Are Alike 33 The Seven Types of Emotionally Abusive Relationships 35 Part Two Healing Your Childhood and Your Unhealthy Patterns Chapter 4 Patterns That Begin in Childhood: Why We Abuse and Why We Take It 47 The Repetition Compulsion 50 The Core of the Compulsion— An Abusive Childhood 53 Abusive Styles of Parenting 55 The Power of Unfinished Business 58 Your Original Abuser 59 Another Pattern: Victim or Abuser? 60 Anger In, Anger Out—Male and Female Patterns 61 How Shame Affects Victims of Abuse 62 Chapter 5 Complete Your Unfinished Business (For Both Victims and Abusers) 65 1. Admit the Fact That You Were the Victim of Abuse or Neglect 67 2. Acknowledge to Yourself That You Have Unexpressed Feelings of Anger, Pain, Fear, and Shame Because of Your Childhood Experiences of Neglect, Abandonment, or Abuse 73 3. Allow Yourself to Feel and Express Your Emotions Connected to the Neglect or Abuse You Experienced 75 4. Find Safe, Constructive Ways of Releasing or Expressing These Feelings 77 5. Confront Your Abuser(s) (Indirectly Preferred) 79 6. Resolve Your Relationship With Your Original Abuser(s) (Set Boundaries, Temporary or Permanent Separation, Forgive) 80 Chapter 6 Healing Your Shame with Self- Compassion 81 The Cure for Shame: Self-Compassion 86 Repeating the Cycle of Abuse 92 Part Three Stopping the Abuse Chapter 7 Action Steps for Those Being Abused 99 The Program 103 Specific Advice and Strategies 121 Chapter 8 Action Steps for the Abusive Partner 123 The Program 126 Chapter 9 Action Steps for the Abusive Couple 147 Stop Blaming Each Other 150 The Program 152 Chapter 10 When Your Partner Has a Personality Disorder 161 Determining Whether Your Partner Suffers from BPD 164 Twin Fears— Abandonment and Engulfment 166 Strategies to Help You Cope and to Stop the Emotional Abuse 168 Determining Whether Your Partner Suffers from NPD 171 Strategies to Help You Cope and Stop the Emotional Abuse 174 Should You Tell Your Partner that You Suspect They Have a Personality Disorder? 177 When You Both Suffer from a Personality Disorder 178 Chapter 11 When Your Abusiveness Stems from Your Personality Disorder 179 Do You Suffer from BPD? 182 How BPD Can Lead to Emotionally Abusive Behavior 183 How You Can Begin to Change Your Emotionally Abusive Behavior 186 Strategies for Specific Borderline Behaviors 191 Do You Suffer from NPD? 191 How NPD Leads to Abusive Behavior 193 How You Can Begin to Change Your Emotionally Abusive Behavior 194 My Personal Program for Overcoming Narcissistic Tendencies 196 Part Four Where Do You Go from Here? Chapter 12 Should You Stay or Should You Leave? 201 Strong Reasons to Stay 203 You May Still Need to Leave 205 Strong Reasons to Leave 205 When You Definitely Need to Leave 206 When You Are Resisting Leaving 209 Trust and Forgiveness 209 Chapter 13 Preventing Emotional Abuse in the Future 211 For the Abused Partner 213 For the Abusive Partner— Catch Yourself in the Act 217 For Both Partners 218 Chapter 14 Continuing to Recover 221 True Power Comes from Knowing You Have Choices 223 Key Issues for Victims and Abusers 224 Specific Strategies for the Abused Partner 228 Recovery for the Abusive Partner 230 For Both Partners— Finding the Right Therapist 232 Treatment for BPD and NPD 233 Be Realistic about Your Partner Changing 234 Epilogue 235 References 237 Further Reading 239 Index 243